So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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