I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
