I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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