Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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