she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
