I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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