If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
You did what with his pubic hair?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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