Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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