Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
