and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
