I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
