I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
