Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
don't judge my taste in strippers
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
PANTIES FOUND
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
