Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
