His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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