im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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