A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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