This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
