I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
