what day is it and did you see me today?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
