I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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