I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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