she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
