Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
