Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
