When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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