I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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