I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
