It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm passing your future prison.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
