dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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