My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
