woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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