made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
