I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
