does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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