She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
