I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Couch. On fire.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
