I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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