In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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