Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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