She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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