so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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