what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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