Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
