I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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