She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
