My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
