just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
There's a naked man in my car right now.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
