he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
