my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
