I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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